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Disciplining Your Child – to cane or not to cane?

An aged old topic that has been discussed over and over in Malaysia and here I am, discussing it yet again. Why? Because I still hear of so many parents hitting their children, that’s why.

Did anyone ever say parenting was easy? No, I didn’t think so, and hitting a child (who is completely helpless) is a form of abuse. And by hitting, I also mean spanking, whacking, slapping, flicking, caning, yelling, degrading, embarrassing, threatening, shouting, screaming and basically any form of aggression and violence that is carried out that instils fear in a child.

IT IS THE LAZY WAY OF PARENTING.

Did you know that in 29 countries of the world, it is illegal to spank a child? Half the world does not allow caning in schools and for some countries, as long as there isn’t a mark, you are allowed to give a little spank. I beg to disagree and much prefer to remove a kid’s privileges for a better lesson.

I’ll be the first to admit that I sometimes feel like sending my kids away on the next rocket launch to Jupiter. And I myself have hit my first daughter 3 times. She was only 3 when she got hit on her shin the first time. She hadn’t gotten her way and started crumpling books despite repeated warnings and that made me livid. Books to me, are like gold. 6 months later, she put her shoed feet up on my drivers’ seat despite repeated warnings not to dirty my car furnishings, so again her shins got fired up. And at 5, I slapped her left cheek for sticking her tongue out at me in a genuinely cocky manner. I regretted all of the 3 times and am rather ashamed of myself for not having enough restraint in controlling my child.

So why am I so against abuse? For the purpose of this argument, I shall use the word abuse for all the actions that I described above earlier. I must also qualify that I may preach but if I had the same kids as some, I’m not sure if I could hold my calm so well as I’m not the most patient person at all.

But take a look at our world today. Where are we? We have terrorist attacks, religious disagreements spanning decades and political power struggles. We don’t even have to look globally, let’s just look at our home country alone. Road rage on the streets, gang fights, rape and murders, political wars and a restless rakyat. Where does all this aggression come from???

Well, never mind that. As parents, let us do our part in not creating any more unnecessary feelings of aggression in our children. Because with abuse, comes potential aggressive behaviour. Easier said than done, of course, but the first step in realising and wanting to change, IS a good first step.

Children are not born naughty. It is the lack of parental love and attention that start behavioural problems but how many parents really have the time to give the kids what they need? Raising kids is exhausting! But we try our levelled best. Children need a lot of work and sometimes I see helpless parents with kids over their heads not knowing what more to do anymore and so they bring out the cane. As frustrating as it is, there must be a way to get to these kids. First of all, if you are a parent who has always allowed your kids a lot of freedom, chances are they will climb all over you and if you don’t take control and put them back in their place, everything gets out of control. Yet, caning is not the solution. Start being firm early and be consistent with your rules.

Statistics prove that children who are caned, hit or yelled at regularly have a more rebellious streak. They also have more behavioural and emotional issues later at school so if you think you have a problem child now, caning him is a sure way of sending him into deeper zones of trouble.

We need to spell out our rules first and foremost to our kids, what is right and what is wrong. And then only when they practise what is wrong, remind them that their action(s) is wrong, but not them as a person. We will always love them as our kids but are not happy with what they have done. That is very important. It gives children control that they are all born good and will always be loved but are capable of changing their bad behaviour. All children crave for our love and attention. If we hit them and ridicule them for their mistakes, what are we teaching them? That they aren’t allowed to make mistakes?

Hitting children teaches them to be hitters themselves. Extensive research show that the most dangerous criminals were all regularly threatened and punished in childhood thus there is a direct correlation between our aggression towards our kids and their future aggressive behaviour. It is our duty then to set an example of empathy and wisdom, not the lack of self-control, when raising our kids.

Many a time, our kids are not even behaving badly. They are just being kids who have certain needs and us as parents have failed to meet those needs. Yet, when the kids act up, we accuse them of bad behaviour and punish them. A child needs enough sleep (do a check for your child’s age group), proper nutrition, treatment for any allergies (and this is important because if the child is uncomfortable, how is he to know he is allergic to yeast, for example), lots of fresh air, exercise and sufficient freedom to explore his surroundings. But the most important need of a child which is his parents’ undivided attention, is probably what most parents in Malaysia fail at since we’re all too busy climbing the corporate ladder or just trying to make ends meet! And because we fail to provide our children with that need, is it fair then to punish them when they are merely responding from having their needs neglected? I was told once that I owed my 3 year old daughter an hour a day at minimum, of solid undivided attention, way more than what I was giving her then, but as soon as I had made a concerted effort, I noticed her behaviour improving by leaps and bounds.

Caning our kids also does not teach them how to resolve conflict in a calm manner. It teaches them to get results from fear. Is that what we want for them? Do we want our kids to do things out of fear or because they understand why certain things need to be done? Feelings of anger, revenge and hurt certainly will not make your kid want to learn good lessons! Remember that there is always a more creative way in getting your kid to do what you want them to do without having to resort to the cane. Put yourself in their shoes. Mutual respect between parent and child will last forever and take a kid much further in life than parents bullying a helpless, fearful kid.

Some kids store all their resentment and embarrassment inside till it accumulates and manifests in their teens and adulthood. That is when we have drug problems, early sex, truancy from school and other social behavioural problems thus although hitting may have produced some fast results when your kids were younger, as teenagers and adulthood, it is already too late. They say that kids need to be placed in line by the age of 10, better still by 7, or it is very difficult later to put them back on track. So pay attention to your kids, without having to resort to the cane or equivalent.

Hitting and scolding kids in an aggressive manner also reduces their self-esteem, because they start believing that they are beneath parental love. Just imagine that your spouse hits you because you spilt that pot of soup, or yells at you for not remembering to put the clothes back into the cupboard. Is it really necessary? How would it make you feel? And why would you purposefully spill the soup or not put the clothes back into the cupboard? If kids are rewarded for good behaviour, they will learn better, because they yearn so much for parental attention yet, how many of us tell our kids how proud we are of them because they behaved well yesterday? Be specific, tell them you were so proud of them that they didn’t interrupt you once all day when you were in the midst of conversation. Tell them you loved it yesterday that they sat down and ate their dinner without moving around and leaving the table.

Hitting you children may also tell them that bigger means more powerful, because you ARE bigger. Your child then may start taking out his aggression on smaller people and when he becomes an adult, may look up to big, powerful people and have less compassion for what he considers the weak. There is so much psychology to this and aggression will surely damage a potentially emotionally fulfilling life for your child.

Children hardly ever tell you how they are really feeling once you’ve hit them as they already fear you and if you continue showing your aggression towards them, you are indeed taking a risk. A risk you might live to regret. You could be ruining the future of a potential bright star who could have shone bright. So be mindful the next time your children drive you crazy. I read of this analogy which I’d like to share with you and that is, our children are the crop and their wrong behaviour, like the pest. Caring is like providing fertiliser required for healthy growth and aggression is the pesticide. When we use too much of pesticide, the pests become resistant, forcing us to use stronger doses (and eventually your children may need punishment by law to keep them under control) so its much better in the first place to give them more caring than aggression. I know it isn’t easy but please, please try all avenues in making your child do whatever it is you want them to do first before reaching for that cane or yelling at them. Bribe them, remove TV for a month, no more favourite food or drink, whatever. Just don’t spread more aggression.

At the end of it, the bottom line is, you don’t want good behaviour based on fear. You want good behaviour based on strong core values and the only way to instil that is with lots of love and respect. It CAN be done!!!

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