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Managing hurt in children (fixing back the fragile pieces of their hearts)

At some point in your parenting life, you will meet this hurdle that you’d need to cross and if you haven’t reached it yet, you may want to save this for future reference. But unless you and your husband are made of stone, I can assure you your child will experience being upset one day from the words and doings of things completely beyond your control, and what do you do then? Even as adults, some of us are still unable to manage hurt what more with our little darlings?

My elder daughter just turned 6 and for the longest time I’ve had in raising her, I’d never come across a challenge bigger than the one I am currently facing, because it wrings my heart dry to see hers being pinched. She has always been in control and always been happy till now when she’s learned that the world does unfortunately comprise some mean people. As trivial as things may be to us, it may be the end of the world for sensitive children. And if you are so caught in a similar situation or worse, just what do you do?

When my daughter was called names, she automatically retaliated and made up her own names to call the perpetrators *roll eyeballs*. Yet she came running home complaining that friends at school had teased her because she was the shortest and smallest in class. This led to some stories about how being big and tall doesn’t necessarily mean great, and how small and short, can actually be amazing. Look at Mama! Of course, it helped that I was the world to her and I was VERY short. And then I gave her some ammunition. I told her that the next time somebody called her names to repeat this phrase, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will NEVER hurt me, and ignore them after. If they still continued to call her names that bothered her, she must tell her teacher or me again. Although my girl is brave enough to fight back, I warned her that by doing that, she was only being as bad as the perpetrator(s).

Later on, there were several incidents where kids ganged up against her and influenced others not to play with her. This was hurtful to say the least and she felt naturally dejected. I explained that nasty kids were usually a result of kids not getting enough love from their parents and instead of hating them, she should empathise; be the stronger kid and walk away unwounded. If people didn’t want to play with her, so what? It was ALWAYS their loss. Their loss for not taking the time to get to know her, their loss for not seeing the beauty in her, and their loss for not learning how much fun she could be! Their complete and utter loss!! She could stand tall and play alone (help your kid with some suggestions if she cannot come up with anything) or find someone ELSE nice to play with. One day, those kids will want to play with her again. They just can’t see it now.

One thing I’ve learned from experience is to allow your child to ride out the hurt in them. Allow them to cry their eyeballs out. Hug them, kiss them and just hold them tight. They need that feeling of security. It is almost like a battery recharge. Once the bawl is over, they feel a lot better after cuddles from Mama.
I also told my daughter that should she witness anyone getting hurt that she was to stand up for that person and intervene and if for any reason she didn’t dare, then to comfort the person who was victimised and offer her friendship. I told her to always protect her friends from nasty kids.

Both strategies worked well for me. If you prepared your children in dealing with life’s many forms of conflict, they will eventually find their way around the playground. As parents, we first need to teach our children what is acceptable and what isn’t, so they know. Some parents feel that playground politics is all part and parcel of growing up and whilst it is, it doesn’t negate that power struggles between children are actually forms of abuse which many kids get victimised with. This is unfair and need to be addressed. Never undermine your child’s feelings of being hurt by other children. And please, if your child is a perpetrator, please correct him.

Leading by Example

As with everything else you want in your child, you as the parent must first set a shining example. It is incredible how closely children follow their role models. If you observed those horrible kids, more often than not, their parents are just as horrible! Thus in times of conflict, be aware that your child is always watching and absorbing, so reflect a positive stance at all times. Stay in control, speak calmly, avoid arguments (it is alright to disagree, just do so in a civilised manner) and hang around happy, positive people, so your kid observes that these are the rules of the game. For them, this would be their normal.

Setting the foundations

Teach your children that actions such as hitting, spitting, pushing; verbal abuse such as name calling, insults and threats; spreading nasty rumours about people, influencing others to do wrong, openly excluding a child from a group is considered BULLYING. If another kid purposely spills a cup of water on them or wipes dirt on their clothes, it is wrong. Tell your child that when he or she is hurt in any way, physically or emotionally, to always inform you. And please listen. If you don’t feel that your child is one to volunteer information, then dig it out of them on a regular basis. Ask them detailed questions about how they felt at school, what break time was like, who they spoke to, ask about their toilet trips, ask if kids ever call them names or tease them, ask if anyone has been mean towards them, ask if they are afraid of anything, look out for unsupported bruises or wounds and ask about their teachers. Sometimes, you may need to make up a story of how you saw someone being pushed in a toilet the other day and what you did about it, just to encourage your child to speak up.

Safety in numbers

Advise your children that if they ever came across any nasty name calling kids to stay away from them. Tell them to stick with good, supportive friends and never be alone. If they happened to be alone, they should walk away slowly and bravely to find other friendly friends. Nasty kids are not worth hanging out with and if possible, send your child for self-defense classes to instill stronger confidence.

Teaching self-awareness and self-control

Teach your child also to stay composed. You may think this impossible but I once read an analogy used by a blogger Mom who taught her children that they shouldn’t be robots but to be human instead. If they were robots, it meant that others could control them when they pressed their robot buttons. Why allow other kids to press your buttons? If other kids are rude or critical, let them be. They are just trying to make you a robot. Don’t let them. And by doing so, you have to close your ears with your invincible hands and not listen, then walk away. Remind your kids too that they should always remain calm without raising their voices and if they can do that, it means they have reached a certain level of maturity, a grown up like Mommy (add child’s favourite mascot/superhero right here).

Growing their hearts

Children need to learn how to give. Compromise and self-sacrifice are virtues always respected and builds character. Find a way to teach your child how to let others go first with a healthy balance of taking turns. All this requires practice-practice-practice. Provide an environment where your child can always talk to you freely about anything and allow him to express his feelings openly. You can do this by always listening and acknowledging what he has to say, because seriously, why should he tell you his innermost fears if you didn’t care to listen most of the time?

Teach your child too that everyone holds an empty invisible bucket and whenever they are kind to someone else, they not only fill that person’s bucket with magic stars but fill their own invisible bucket as well. And an overfilled bucket gets a star from God, or whatever else you want to fill in the blanks with. However, if they were to be unkind, then the magic stars would disappear and nobody wants to walk around with an empty bucket.

Provide opportunities for your child to express his feelings in other ways like drawing and writing, pretend play and drama, even dancing. These emotional outlets don’t have to cost money and just need a bit of encouragement. I have taught my girl how to write a blog and she has been journaling her thoughts online for a month now. It is such a thrill for me to see how her mind flourishes and develop. I also encourage a lot of activities involving thank you cards, giving away her belongings to charity (or friends) and generally encouraging random acts of kindness in our every day life. I believe these will enable her to be less focused on getting revenge and retaliation, as she has a natural tendency to fight back.

Tell relevant stories

Whether borrowed, made up or read, take every opportunity to share stories of good versus bad with your children and how being good always wins. Use books, television and real life examples to discuss what they would have done in certain conflicts and advise appropriately. Conflict in life is unavoidable thus preparing our kids appropriately in order to manage their own emotions and handle an array of disagreements in a positive manner will benefit them greatly.

Mind your own children

If your child happens to hurt someone else, ensure that she knows you disapprove. Insensitive gestures are unacceptable and they will be dealt with appropriately. Teach your child beforehand though what the ground rules are for how your family treats others and should they get out of line, revoke their privileges accordingly as previously agreed. I always tell my daughter, it doesn’t matter that someone else did wrong, she doesn’t have to follow suit. And I allow her to draw a picture of that person and draw them UGLY. We have a good laugh about it in the end.

Dance the positive brain dance

Last but not least, I think it is very important for parents to dance the positive brain dance. At every opportunity, bring out the positive side of every occurrence, event, thought, story, keep your glasses half full……share stories of diversity with your children. Teach them that every one is different and just because someone does or doesn’t do something, does NOT mean A, B or C. For example, in some cultures it may be rude to do something but the same thing may be an old tradition in others!

Take responsibility too for your actions. It will teach your children not to have the habit of blaming others. It is through us that our children learn so as a team, expose them to other cultures, places, read them lots of books, meet as many people as possible and learn to be friends with everyone.

So to sum it all up, communication is the golden key for kids to talk and express their emotions. If the lines of communication are always open between you and your child, your child should be well equipped to face any hurt that comes their way. And remember, allow them to cry. Allow them to punch a pillow or make a joke to make them laugh. Allow them to release all their pent up hurt and/or anger.

And when all else fails, get a bazooka and fire those horrible people who hurt your kids!!!

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