You are here: Home › Blogs

Mommy Bloggers

Managing your Mother-In-Law

The perennial problem since the beginning of time, 98% of women in Asia don’t want to get on with their daughters-in-laws. No girl is ever good enough for their son. Would you agree? It’s an historical fact of life so rather than fight it, why not do the best with what we’ve got?

I have been brought up to respect my elders so no matter how much of a bitch my mother-in-law (MIL) is or can be, I will always respect her. Thankfully for me though, I got lucky and my MIL is NOT a bitch and never has been one, to me at least. In fact, she is a wonderfully respected MIL, more than I could ever ask for, in society, to her grandchildren and to her own family. I suppose it helps that she lives in another city! However, I’ve heard many tales of MILs who cause so much stress in families and relationships that I just had to say something about it.

When a woman gets married, or should I say before, she needs to make it clear to her husband to be, how involved her in-laws are going to be in their new family. This is a discussion that needs to take place if it isn’t already clear how the in-law dynamics influence your lives on a day-to-day basis. The loyalty now lies in your new family so you need to decide what the deal is. Is it once a week that we see the in-laws or every day? Where do we draw the line when it comes to decisions with the kids and the in-laws? Where does your husband’s loyalty lie? I can tell you straight out now that if my husband chose his mother over me, I wouldn’t have married him. Between a man’s mother and his wife, unfortunately I feel that the wife has to be perceived as number one. Too bad for those of you who have sons! Seriously, it isn’t that mothers aren’t loved, far from it. The love a man has for wife and mother, it’s different. I’m just saying that if it comes down to the crunch, then a man should choose his wife’s decision over his mother. If he chose his mother, he might as well divorce his wife and go sleep with his mother, unless of course, his wife is completely unreasonable. If his wife is a drug addict and his mother feels that he should keep his children away from her, then he should listen to his mother. But if both women are in disagreement over the kids or where to hold a family birthday dinner, then the man should follow the wife’s decision, unless he has very strong reasons not to.

At the same time, I feel that daughter-in-laws (DIL) should show tremendous respect for their MILs. DILs should always be polite and greet and thank their in-laws at every meeting, and should offer their help in any way towards their in-laws. They should also show that they are taking good care of their husbands by scooping food for them, serving them or taking care of their kids whilst in sight of the in-laws, and of course, take good care of the grandchildren. The in-laws are old, they cannot change. So no matter how irritating they are or meddlesome they are in your lives, keep doing your duty. Do your duty of respecting them, serving your family best and NOT ANSWERING BACK to them. Ever.

Should you have to live with you in-laws or MIL, you have my sincere sympathies but this can be a good thing too if you gain a useful babysitter! Nevertheless, living with the MIL is always stressful and DILs should always practise restrain and husbands should always speak up for their wives. There will undoubtedly be disagreements but where the MIL is out of line and crosses boundaries, it is up to the husband to set her straight. Wives should never be impolite to their MILs. Get your husband to do the job. It is his responsibility. If he doesn’t want to, then get his permission to do the job yourself. Do it politely but firmly. If she hates you for it, that is unfortunate but perhaps you could explain or show her reasons why you are doing what you are doing. Continue being nice to her but strictly put your foot down on your decision. And if your husband doesn’t give you his support? Well, well, well……I guess you then need to decide what is really important in your life.

DILs should also make their MILs happy by talking to them. Every week, make it a point to call your MIL or if you live with her, set aside a time to talk women stuff. Take your relationship to another level even if it is the last thing you feel like doing! Look at things from her perspective, she feels insecure that you are now the number one woman in her son’s life so help her feel more secure by being a respectful friend. I remember whenever I was in Kota Bharu, I’d take an early morning walk with my MIL alone and we’d chat about her past. It was a great MIL-DIL bonding session! Of course, building a relationship with your MIL takes work but it is well worth the effort. Just keep finding ways to make your MIL feel appreciated.

No matter how evil and cruel your MIL is, I still feel that as the DIL, you should respect your MIL and do your duty as a DIL. It only makes you the better person. Of course, easier said than done! But thankfully, my own mother has raised me to be able to do the job as a respectful daughter-in-law. You can do this, ladies!

Most popular blog entries at Mamababyworld.com

Comments:

Back to the main page

TOP