My Special Child
Most mums feel their world crashing down when they are told their child is ‘not normal’. Here are some tips on how to cope with a special child.
Confess: what was the first thing you did when your baby was put into your arms immediately after delivery? Did you find yourself subconsciously counting his fingers and toes to ensure they were complete? If you did, you are not alone.
Every mum dreams of having a normal, if not perfectly, formed child. Once you are assured that his physical attributes are normal, you start paying attention to his other senses – his hearing, sight, mental faculties. Some congenital abnormalities manifest themselves earlier; others take longer before they become apparent. Whether the congenital condition is physical, mental or both, most mums go through the same emotional torment when they first find out they have a special child. The process that follows usually comes in five stages before the affected mum can accept the fact and move on. They are:
Guilt: Was it something I ate? Was it because we had too much sexual intercourse? Was it the high stress levels I was facing? Was it because my eggs had gone bad? When a child is born abnormal, most mums go through tremendous guilt because they think it was something they ate or did or didn’t eat or didn’t do.
Denial: After the initial guilt has worn off, the mum goes into a state of denial by throwing herself into work or some other form of obsessive activity. She would want to forget she ever had the child.
Anger: When she eventually accepts the fact that she needs to face her child and handle special childcare needs, she will become very angry; with herself, with God, with the rest of the world. She will lash out in prayer, asking ‘Why me?’, ‘Why my baby?’, etc. She will also blame her husband, her in-laws, her bosses, herself.
Grief/ Fear: The anger will end after some time, as always. This is when the grieving begins. The mum feels an overwhelming sense of grief not only for herself but also for her child who will lead a challenged life forever. She fears and feels for her child’s sufferings.
Acceptance: Having gone through the walk of fire, the mum emerges with newfound strength to carry on, bearing this new cross with courage she never knew existed. She will start looking for reading materials, early intervention programmes, support groups or additional help that can help her child function like normal. The entire process can take a few months to many years or decades, depending on the personality of the mum and the support network she has. Mums with stronger support networks consisting of family members and friends are more usually likely to handle the situation better.
It is important to remember that having a special child affects the whole family, not just the mum and baby. As such, the partner and other older children need to go through the same grieving process before they can move on with their lives.
Families that do not communicate their feelings with each other usually end up with a lot of resentment, sadness and bitterness. Couples also need to talk it over, share their feelings and support each other through this shared adversity.
So if you have just been told you have a special child, don’t deny yourself the opportunity to go through the five major steps of acceptance. The Malaysian Down Syndrome Association also advises:
- Take one step at a time. Deal with the baby you have, not the teenager or adult you fear you can’t cope with.
- Accept help from family and friends. You do not have to show a brave front all the time to show you are coping. Accept offers to baby-sit, help with your child’s program or simply to share a cup of tea.
- Give yourself time. The adjustment to a child’s disability is a big one. Allow yourself to ride out the emotional roller-coaster.
- Don’t give up your dreams for your child. You may be surprised how many of them your child may achieve-a bit differently and at a different level, but achieve nonetheless.
- Try to focus on all aspects of your child, not solely on the fact that he has a disability.
